apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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