I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
