Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
