This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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