I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
