She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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