Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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