Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
