Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
