So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
