They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
