if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
In other news, I just burned my penis
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
