Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
