There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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