I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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