She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
