I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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