Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
