Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
