Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
