"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
