You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize