Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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