I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
