I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
