I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
