thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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