so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Randomize
