420 ftw
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
