some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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