Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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