sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
