I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
