also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
