Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
