My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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