Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
