come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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