remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
