i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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