It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize