Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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