You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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