and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
what day is it and did you see me today?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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