A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
