He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
