Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize