i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
