1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I didn't notice because vodka
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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