Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
