My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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