i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My legs feel like baby dolphins
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
