im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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