I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
