Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
