Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
