she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
