Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
