I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
