I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
