So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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