He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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