He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
