Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
