the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
