It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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