i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
