My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
