the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
