Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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